I ended yesterday’s post saying I was going to have a slow cup of tea. My good friend Alan asked me later “How did it go?” Well to be honest, I had a few sips and then drifted on to something else. So thanks to his unintended prod I thought I should try again.
Rather than just mindfully drink the tea I decided to note my thoughts and feelings as they arose by saying them out loud. I also recorded myself doing this so I could share them. I doubt anyone will want to read them but I have written out the list and copied it at the bottom of this post.
What I found really interesting is rereading the quote from Tchich Nhat Hanh with an intention of acting upon it and experiencing it, not just thinking about it, I gained a noticeably different understanding of what he said and didn’t say. There is no demand to notice only the cup of tea as you drink it, but rather to drink it ‘reverently’. This takes away the possibility of drinking the tea in the wrong way. It is the same as in an ordinary sitting practice when we are told to return to the breath “without judgement”.
The instruction to drink the tea as if it were the ‘axis of the whole world’ sure is some commitment to mindfulness in the moment. People who have taken an MBSR course will see the similarity with the eating the raisin exercise from the first week. Often when people eat that raisin at such a slow speed they comment after that they noticed much more taste from it. And I can still taste the tea now, an hour after finishing the last mouthful. But this guidance also goes a step further than the MBSR “Only this actual moment is life” is a fantastically empowering statement. Because no matter what has gone before we have this moment; we can be mindful, we can be alive right now as we drink the tea..
That was honestly one of the best mugs of tea I have had in ages. I highly recommend you try driving one in a similar manner. And thank Alan when you do.
Favourite mug/ Hot/ Sipped/ Tongue/ Slurp/ Lingering taste/ Neighbour on the phone/ Wind in the chimney/ Breath/ Thinking of having another sip/ Breath/ Stomach rumbling/ Bigger sip/ Same taste/ I think that’s fish on the mugs and the blue lines are waves/ Water and milk in the tea/ Where do the milk and the tea come from?/ Breath/ After taste/ Slightly easier to touch the mug/ Touch of teeth on tongue/ Bigger sip/ Missed the taste but noticing the after taste/ Thinking about finishing the tea and watching the telly/ Sound of mug on coaster and rumble in stomach/ I like the sound of my neighbour’s voice/ The house is quiet/ Breath/ (I reread the TNH quote on tea drinking)/ What does evenly mean in that quote?/ Autumn/ Looking forward to watching the American football/ Feet on the floor bum on the cushion on the sofa/ Heating is up high enough for me to be in a t-shirt/ Near the end of the mug/ Cant hold the mug still enough so the tea inside stays still/ Cant believe I hadn’t noticed the fish and waves before on the mug/ Maybe flying fish/ I feel as if I’ve drunk a bigger mug of tea than I actually have/ I’ve drunk it quicker I think, I’ve got to the end and its still quite hot/ Teacup sound on coaster
We are a busy culture (part 2). When out walking I am thinking of cooking tea and not seeing the loosening leaves and their changing colours. Watching a favourite film I check my phone and miss a key scene entirely. Looking at the sunset I wonder about putting on a wash and leave the skyline after only a few seconds.
It’s all very well wanting to slow down and open out to experience like I suggested yesterday (see here). But even if I try slowing down the body, the mind keeps speeding away. Just switching off at the push of a button isn’t possible; a longer term solution is needed, with longer term commitment. Now I am not expert enough to know how anything other than the start of this extended project might look and I only know about the first step of this because I read this from Tchich Nhat Hanh in ‘Miracle of Mindfulness’
So not just being slower, but also living this moment – not future ones. Now this is written, I am going to make a cup of tea and see how it goes.
We are a busy culture. When people have arranged to drop in to see me they are often have to work out when they can squeeze half an hour extra time into their day. After work? Before food shopping? On the day the in laws have the children? “They’ve cancelled the meeting Thursday I could do it then.”
The irony of friends looking so much more exhausted than me when I am supposed to be the one off with fatigue is not lost on me. And now, sitting apart from this endless daily melee, I see an advantage to slower living. If you are not in a rush, if you’re living easy like Sunday morning, you’re attention is less likely to be restricted to just your own bubble and more open to what is going on around you. And living like that may allow you to see behind what is happening and develop more patience for how events are unfolding.
So slowing down can make people more patient. Additionally, this may well generate a lovely positive feedback to living a little slower and then life could become all the more connected and enjoyable and people would be kinder. It is easy to see that this loop could also work the other way around, so that our relentless multitasking may well be making us less and less patient and wise with our surroundings. This is why it is so important that we all take a break and set aside some time for doing nothing. Have a great week end!
People pull some strange faces when I tell them I have made a playlist on Spotify for my funeral. But I think it is the sensible thing to do.
All this ‘taking it easy’ time I have been fortuitously granted recently has given me the opportunity to think about the next years of my life. Getting ill certainly does make you reflect on your own uninvincibility and I’ve been pondering over four features of this. Firstly, as had already prompted me to start that playlist, I am aware that I will die. It is good to bring this to mind from time to time, not from some sort of morbid wallowing, but to help focus on not wasting the time left. Death may be certain, but the timing of it is out of my control.
Secondly, I am extremely lucky in my present circumstances, so it would be a crying shame if I was to let them slip by or waste them. I already have all the physical comforts and necessities I need right here.
The third and forth features are a pair of ideas about priorities. Knowing what are and what are not the important things to be doing is vital. Prolonged lockdown has made it clearer that it isn’t money or possessions that really matter. There is a Tibetan saying “All that may be wished for will by nature fade to nothing” So eventually what remains is simply the results of what we have done; the impact of our karma.
I read this lovely phrase this week from Joseph Goldstein that seemed to describe for me what I was looking for from all this reflection. He talked about generating “spiritual urgency” and I hope reflecting on these factors will be like giving myself a pep talk to get the mind in order and to focus my efforts and energies in the right direction.
Footnote: to be honest the playlist isn’t really connected with any spiritual endeavours. It is more to do with the fact that I don’t trust anyone else to have as good musical taste as I have. The proof is right here
Part 2 (part 1 was yesterday)
It is very easy to be kind to someone.
When I went into hospital it was my ex-wife who, with the aid of one of our children, sorted out a few clothes for me and brought me orange juice to the ward. That she was still able to be thoughtful to me really impressed the children. Seeing mum and dad communicating and being good to each other helps them deal with the separation better I am sure. But many other people have been kind to me over the last couple of months. Just a WhatsApp message will have cheered me up, coming over for a cup of tea and a chat has been fabulous. An offer to drive me somewhere if needed or pick me up from Sainsbury’s after shopping is most appreciated. I have loved it when someone from work rang me to see how I was getting along.
Now this isn’t a not so subtle plea for more visits and lift offers. What I have come to notice is it takes such little effort to make a kind gesture and if we were more aware of this, we would no doubt reach out and be compassionate more often and to more people. Additionally, the ripple effects of your thoughtful action will spread out further than you initially intended. The person you were just kind to is more likely to be kind to someone else, who in turn will have their day brightened and become more likely to help out another person and so on.
The positive energy created by a kind act doesn’t have to spread out, it can rebound back and forth to strengthen friendships and relationships. There is one member of my family who I have known almost my whole life and who has always looked out for and after me. During the last couple of months she has never stopped checking in on me, helping me out, giving me good advice and generally standing by my side the whole way through. Without doubt her kindness and love helped bring out the balance and strength of mind I needed to be face all this with the equanimity it requires.
I am grateful to you all.
An old old friend rang me today. He was my best man when I married. That kind of old friend.
We don’t talk often, though we both wish we did. I used to find this painful but I’ve learnt that the quality when we do connect floods the silent months between the love we have. It’s not a consequence of the mere time of our friendship that has created this; those memories of having and losing girlfriends, or the mud and leaking tents of Glastonbury festivals from the mid 80’s or any of those other half recalled events. It is that we had shared values and dreams back then and we retain them now.
We hadn’t talked for a long enough time recently that he was unaware I had been ill. So immediately on finding out, this morning, he rang me and over the next hour asked questions and gave advice in a manner that no one else could. He spotted the essence of my reflections and thoughts. He could see and iterate the beliefs behind how I have been thinking. He was easily able to wisely advise me on what else I should do or what else I might be better leaving out. The way he has always tried to live I have never found less than inspiring and hearing what he is doing amongst the craziness of 2020 encouraged me further.
So all I am trying to say is look after those wise people in your life and care for the ones whose values echo and mirror yours. And on the off chance that anyone who considers themselves young is reading this I’d recommend having a slow look around you and taking note of the kind ones in your social circle and promise yourself never to lose their telephone number.
(Part 2 tomorrow)
I heard a golfer* describe preparing for a crucial put by saying “I couldn’t think anymore about it or I’d have wondered about every blade of grass, and that would have just been distracting.”
The same goes for mindfulness. It can be a complex topic if you so wish, but ultimately it must be simple. Know the body. Know the breath. Know the feelings. Know the mind and its objects.”
Or as I read a renowned Buddhist** describe it “Sit and know you are sitting and all of reality will be revealed to you.”
(* Martin Kaymer)
(** Anagarika Munindra)
I’ve loved getting older. I bristle when people tell teenagers or those in their twenties “these are the best years of your life.” What a depressing way of looking at your time on this Earth. I like to think that as I’ve aged I’ve become a little wiser.
Something Ive come to know slowly over time is the effect of different places and rooms in my house. For instance, if it’s the weekend or a holiday and I’m staying in, then I am best not stocking up on biscuits or chocolate. Because if I’m spending 48 hours in close proximity to a packet of chocolate biscuits, I know it will be long gone before the second day and I will be pondering buying resupplies by Sunday or maybe earlier.
Similarly, reading anything other than the lightest or shortest of text cannot be done on the sofa. My lounge life is set up to fulfil my desire for distraction. On the coffee table sit the clutch of black remotes that control: bluetooth speaker, tv, satellite tv (2) and DVD player. Then there is also a laptop nearby, phone and a tablet. So, you know, I am in touch digitally you could say.
So I have an armchair situated out of reach of these various magic boxes to which I transfer in order to read. Similarly, I have set up my meditation space in the bedroom, away from all the gadgets, sugary items and other enchantments. And it’s in a corner of the room I only use for this purpose. Maybe one day my mindfulness practice will be strong enough to sit amongst all the accessible sensory attractions and distractions, but for now the wisdom of age tells me to escape a little and meditate there instead.
There needs to be a balance between being and doing. In normal 21st century life much more value is of course placed on the latter. At first I thought going totally against this trend, sliding into days free of structure and allowing whatever arises to be there was the best way to get better. But sitting around not doing much wasn’t really pushing my recuperation along. I felt as if I was dawdling through it. I needed some structure to enable better progress – my body needed a stronger emphasis on doing.
As a secondary school teacher I prefer to get my students learning by listening and doing. I am not a fan of ‘finding out for yourself’ when it comes to teaching children geography. I plan my lessons so that firstly I describe and explain features, processes and/or ideas. Then the pupils will do some work on them to hopefully embed what they have learnt. After that I check to see how well they have learnt (by questioning, marking, assessments et al) and if that has all worked well, we will move onto the next set of features, processes and ideas. So in the school classroom I oversee learning that is much more ‘doing’ than ‘being’.
On a mindfulness course the participants are encouraged to experience for themselves and to learn from this experience. Over time they will hopefully become more trusting of the being mode and less reliant on our 21st century worship of doing. When I started as a mindfulness teacher I had to adjust to this approach as my school teaching background was so different. But I also came to realise that whilst I and the participants should stop to work with what came up in the moment, I myself would also need to keep an eye on the program as a whole. It was not a question of one method at the complete expense of the other.
I think practicing mindfulness gives allows more reflection on this doing and being balance. It allowed me to notice and change my way of living. Over the week since I have put into action my meditating/ walking/ gardening/ meditating again regime I have begin to feel much healthier, happier and positive about myself. I think this readjustment and the associated change to being more mindful when I am active has sped up my recovery and improved how I feel about myself..
At the risk of being a little pompous, Carl Jung described the ever changing balance I am aspiring to better than I have here. He said “Learn your theories well, so you can put them aside when you touch the living soul.”
I’ve been lucky that I’ve never had to get a doctor’s note to cover absence from work before.
So when I rang a week before term started I was uncertain what to say to prove I deserved my GP’s written permission. He had seen me whilst I had been properly ill. I wasn’t faking it and I knew he was a considerate man. Nevertheless I was anxious enough about the conversation to have had a few phrases written down next to me on the sofa for when he rang that afternoon.
Two minutes after he’d rang the call was over. “I think you’ll need a month at first. Does that sound okay to you?’ I was a little bit stunned. I believed that incontrovertible proof would have to be accepted before I was granted permission. But instead the GP was simply doing an ordinary part of his job. I wasn’t a special case and he would be making other much more difficult conversations later that day.
My school had also rung earlier that day to check on how I was doing. Amongst all the other palaver and COVID related actions and reactions everyone there is having to deal with, this was a really touching action to take. I was kindly told “What we want is healthy and happy staff. So make sure you are properly better before you come back.” I couldn’t have asked for better support.
What is interesting is the apprehension and guilt I felt about taking time off. I’m still not sure that there is a one identifiable reason for this feeling. It was probably a mixture of factors from the personal to the cultural. Having had time to think and to realise that I am getting better sat at home, I definitely don’t feel that guilt any longer. What I think is important is that we look after ourselves both mentally and physically. The world will not struggle to get by without us if we aren’t at our desk. We aren’t a vital cog in the wheel driving our fellow beings’ survival and happiness. Maybe we should get down from our high horse and not try to martyr ourselves by carrying on when we need to stop. It really is doing us no good at all. Instead it would be better to pause and take stock of what our body is telling us. Become aware of the sensations as they are here and now and treat ourselves with compassion and kindness. Not only we will become happier and healthier ourselves, but we will be able to help others feel so too.