Why I am writing

Firstly I have to tell you, it is not for you. This is for my benefit. My intention to get back to the pen and notebook and to the keyboard is self driven. Sorry about that. I mean it is lovely you are here and choosing to spend some of your time reading these words and I genuinely hope they are of use to you, but you are not my main concern. Your improved welfare would be a beautiful side effect.

When I go in retreat I always fill up pages and pages with words because I am talking with myself and making a little sense of what is going on. Writing becomes an extra practice that supports and is supported by sitting on the cushion.

But if I also write knowing that someone else might read it then there follows an additional pressure that falls down all over my sentences. The majority of this stress is created by pride and a deep inner desire not to appear stupid in front of other people. So I reread and rephrase it all; I pause nervously before pressing publish and the piece will be forced to loiter around in the holding cell of ‘draft post’ until I give it the one more check . “Is that what I mean to say?” “Have I phrased that correctly?” “Are there any other spelling errors I haven’t yet noticed?” “Will people get what I am driving at?” “Have I missed out an apostrophe somewhere?”

It is that self-induced worry and anxiety that is the winner for me. Because of it I allow myself longer to reflect on exactly what it is I am thinking and feeling. I slow down a little and don’t rush off immediately to the next distracting thought or sound. Then there arises the opportunity to gain a clearer insight into what is going on for me in this moment. Having not mindlessly abandoned the thoughts, I can better clarify what I am saying. So by sharing my writing I am making myself spend more time noticing and analysing what is happening in the patterns of my thoughts and emotions

Don’t get me wrong, my ego has me frequently checking if anyone has clicked on, read or – joy of joys – commented on a post here. I can’t help myself do that. But I do know this site is a very quiet corner of the internet and any engagement is small. What matters for me is the stage fright of publishing and how your possible interest with it allows me to understand life a little bit better.

So thank you for being here. You are helping me out.