What the fuck am I thinking?

Last week, I wrote this down in the book I was reading

“Everything I think, do and say is an attempt to get way from or cover up what is actually here in the present moment. Everything.”

And while this is certainly both an exaggeration and melodramatic, it is also blushed through with truth. And it’s a truth I have been aware of for a few years. It came into focus on a retreat in March last year and now here I am moment by moment still distracting myself into the future “What next? What could I do now? How will that work out?” are my mantras, much more so than the clever sounding Tibetan ones I’d like to think were. Even when I have that realisation and notice the running away thoughts I choose not to stay with the insight because it is too uncomfortable thank you very much. How about just sitting with it Philip, you know like you suggest people do when you guide meditations? Take your own advice maybe?

And there too, in the second half of that paragraph is the other thing. Read that self-shaming and weep, soak in the self-aimed aggression of the title above. Just as I write about how I am and open up a little bit, as I tap into and share emotions and try to get myself out of this shell into which I have retreated, I simultaneously shame myself into retracting once more and staying with the familiar where apparently it feels safer.

All of which to say is that this is good. Here I am typing and preparing to share this stuff with you and that is a positive thing sitting and growing around my habitual negatives. There is hope around.

And the book I was reading was “Ordinary Wonders” by Charlotte Joko Beck. It’s wonderful. I recommend it to you.